Tuesday, July 3, 2012

FAIL

so i have discovered something about myself. when i fail, when another confronts me, when i cannot and believe i should be able to... i go immediately to that old enemy shame. i am learning to have the same grace for myself that my all-compassionate God (who knows my frame, that i am dust... Psalm 103) has. i do not fail his expectations, disappoint him. he is on my side, against my accusers that try to lure me back to shame and self-contempt. 
so, as an example of this cycle, i was sorting through pictures and realized that there were a few catalysts to what has been a fairly dry creative period the last couple of months.  it started with this skirt (here is its story). after the whole designing process, i discovered more stains on the back that were not feasibly coverable. so it got put on the "fail" pile.

followed immediately by this pair of shorts.

 i wanted a pair of those gathered shorts that are so cute, and thought, "hey, i can figure out how to make some, right?" so set out with this step-by-step documenting of the process...

 not bad shots, right? giving a close-up of what i mean by a "basting stitch", or whatever term this non-sewing-expert decides to use to describe the process ;) it all went basically as expected (though, of course, imperfectly, as i was in no way following a pattern - just kinda making stuff up as i went along). but then i tried them on at the end... and they were too tight. like, they cut off my circulation to my lower extremities, unless i let them sag a bit lower on my thighs tight... they were uncomfortable. exactly what this pregnant girl was NOT looking for. i still wore them a couple of times...

 but now they have a huge oily-looking stain on them, and it's just not worth it to try to wear an uncomfortable, stained piece of clothing, no matter how much painstaking heart-and-hands-effort went into making them. but i noticed that i stopped making stuff after that. stopped altering and embellishing. stopped going to my studio in general...tried "pulling myself out of it" a few times, moving forward with my online art class painting projects...
some of the time alongside my joey (please excuse the nudity - it was his first day of potty training, and we let him run around naked for 3 days - he loved it... AND figured out how to go to the potty! ;)






















but i hated every piece i was making. so i quit (again)

i haven't been painting (or even writing) for weeks now. but then, THEN. God reminded me of his grace.

i'm preparing for a project we'll be doing with my artsycrafty club this week, and we all had a worksheet to fill out, processing and meditating... and he reminded me. i am not a disappointment. i am his, and he loves when i risk stepping out toward him, toward freedom, toward creating, toward loving.
the project we're making is supposed to be a physical reminder of the life He has waiting for us to step into, and i pray it will be just that! i am not so good at talking myself out of the self-contempt. but if i remember how he sees me... with love as high as the sky (also psalm 103 - a favorite right now :)... i know He can work his grace into my heart, slowly but surely.