Tuesday, July 3, 2012

FAIL

so i have discovered something about myself. when i fail, when another confronts me, when i cannot and believe i should be able to... i go immediately to that old enemy shame. i am learning to have the same grace for myself that my all-compassionate God (who knows my frame, that i am dust... Psalm 103) has. i do not fail his expectations, disappoint him. he is on my side, against my accusers that try to lure me back to shame and self-contempt. 
so, as an example of this cycle, i was sorting through pictures and realized that there were a few catalysts to what has been a fairly dry creative period the last couple of months.  it started with this skirt (here is its story). after the whole designing process, i discovered more stains on the back that were not feasibly coverable. so it got put on the "fail" pile.

followed immediately by this pair of shorts.

 i wanted a pair of those gathered shorts that are so cute, and thought, "hey, i can figure out how to make some, right?" so set out with this step-by-step documenting of the process...

 not bad shots, right? giving a close-up of what i mean by a "basting stitch", or whatever term this non-sewing-expert decides to use to describe the process ;) it all went basically as expected (though, of course, imperfectly, as i was in no way following a pattern - just kinda making stuff up as i went along). but then i tried them on at the end... and they were too tight. like, they cut off my circulation to my lower extremities, unless i let them sag a bit lower on my thighs tight... they were uncomfortable. exactly what this pregnant girl was NOT looking for. i still wore them a couple of times...

 but now they have a huge oily-looking stain on them, and it's just not worth it to try to wear an uncomfortable, stained piece of clothing, no matter how much painstaking heart-and-hands-effort went into making them. but i noticed that i stopped making stuff after that. stopped altering and embellishing. stopped going to my studio in general...tried "pulling myself out of it" a few times, moving forward with my online art class painting projects...
some of the time alongside my joey (please excuse the nudity - it was his first day of potty training, and we let him run around naked for 3 days - he loved it... AND figured out how to go to the potty! ;)






















but i hated every piece i was making. so i quit (again)

i haven't been painting (or even writing) for weeks now. but then, THEN. God reminded me of his grace.

i'm preparing for a project we'll be doing with my artsycrafty club this week, and we all had a worksheet to fill out, processing and meditating... and he reminded me. i am not a disappointment. i am his, and he loves when i risk stepping out toward him, toward freedom, toward creating, toward loving.
the project we're making is supposed to be a physical reminder of the life He has waiting for us to step into, and i pray it will be just that! i am not so good at talking myself out of the self-contempt. but if i remember how he sees me... with love as high as the sky (also psalm 103 - a favorite right now :)... i know He can work his grace into my heart, slowly but surely.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

i have been really drawn to all things blue and white lately, as you can see by some of my recent estate sale purchases...
 a couple weeks ago, i found this bright blue vintage pleated skirt, and lovely blue & white handmade linens, and bought them without a second glance (at 25-50 cents each, you can't really go wrong). i got them home and discovered stains. but i loved them so much! so i decided to work on patching over the stains on the skirt with one of the napkins, also stained, and then cover those stains with some lace, which also ended up being stained... some buttons were my final touch, and finally all the stains were hidden... but then my sewing machine stopped cooperating, and i gave up. here's how far i got:

 and below is that project this weekend. do you see the spiderweb attached to it???! yeah, that made me decide it was time to get back into the studio and create (coupled with the fact that jason took joey to his parents' house for the day ;)!
so i got back into my Misty Mawn Open Studio class, and started... painting!
 above: the underpainting; below: the final painting (amazing how much the same painting can morph into something so different! i'm actually not sure which i like better...)
 i have been doing this first week of assignments basically in order (on day 3 now, finally!). i think it's too much of one thing at a time, though, so after i finish week 1, i think i'm gonna go week-by-week. so i'm not writing (and you're not seeing) all poetry for forever, and then all portraits, etc. capiche?

and now for some more things i have been thankful for the last few weeks:

66. fever snuggles
67. people like elizabeth esther and sarah markley who share their stories and struggles online, making so many feel less alone.
68. photoshop, and the potential to learn so much more
69. acrylic paint
70. bright color
71. muted color
72. black and white
73. cardamom
74. fresh basil
75. the pairing of sweet and salty/savory: chicken & waffles, s'fa, salted caramel hot chocolate
76. TUMS
77. hearing the baby's heart beating strong

Thursday, June 14, 2012

estate sale spoils


 i got so many texts asking what treasures i found this weekend estate saling, i thought i'd better let you all have a glimpse...


this old propeller was my favorite find - how could you go wrong for a dollar??
sewing basket and all its contents
handmade afghan








 the inside and outside of a sweet little hand-crocheted clutch

another great find: hand-carved wooden block stamp (the guy who sold it to me for a dollar said it was from india in the 1920s and he thought it was to pattern wallpaper :)

beautiful napkin ring

nightlight

prettiest little teacup and saucer i ever saw
 all those came to a grand total of $13!! i love estate sales. they are so much better than yard sales because they sell EVERYTHING. the junk most people wouldn't put out at a normal yard sale 'cause they figure no one would want it (but i do!! drawers full of rusty old tools and bolts?? yes, please!) AND the most precious beautiful stuff, too! at this estate sale, they were selling a vintage refrigerator (50s-70s?) that was upholstered in aqua, green, and gold fabric; and had a beer tap coming out of the side! the person who bought it (while i was deliberating) hauled it away for $12.50!!

i also scored a bunch of vintage clothes, which i plan to get posted for sale on my etsy site this summer (so i won't tell you how much i paid for them ;)... here's a little glimpse from my favorite angle to shoot clothes :)



p.s. there's an estate sale in whittier this weekend that's put on by my favorite (read: cheap) estate sale hosts... 13946 trumball st... come join me if you're in the area, and let's see what we can find!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

in that house...


the LAST assignment from Day 2 (of 25) of my class!! find a picture of yourself, and write a story about the person you see in the photo... i suppose i could have created a fictional account centering on one of these details, but i love the truth of these little scattered memories i could recall from age 4-8, when we lived on Bakeman Lane. 
(there are, of course, many more, but i want to save some to tell you about when we get to know each other... or when i write my memoirs ;)

in that house...

My dad taught me trigonometry at age five, describing imaginary triangular planes stretching from me to him to the mantel above the fireplace. Sitting on his lap in the orange comfy chair from the 70s, I saw it.
My mom dressed up like a clown for my birthday, and we got to dance to music and jump high to pop balloons, filled each with a candy or little note, strung across the living room. She let me make up my own recipes, and try baking them (sometimes she'd help adjust my 3 cups of salt, or 100 degree ovens, but she let me make strawberry cake that was no such thing!)
My three sisters and I shared one of the two bedrooms. I had my very own desk, painted sky blue, turtle green, and baby pink. It held my treasures and was my own little world when I opened it to write songs or thank you notes on my rainbow hot-air balloon notepad.
We could play outside, swinging from the tree, collecting snails and seedpods for a penny apiece. But we couldn’t go past the telephone pole in front of Stuart’s house. We could smell the old lady’s many-colored roses but not touch them. There were dozens of bees on the tiny pink flowers on our bush in the front, a porcelain deer resting below.
My parents had a walk-in closet where Mom would spend some alone time with God each morning, and we knew we weren’t to interrupt. We also watched old home movies in there – using a reel and projector, lying on the floor all in each others' laps. And we drew pictures with neon crayons and took them in there to watch them glow in the blacklight.
We camped in the backyard with a tent made of sheets strung house to fence, and slept in cozy sleeping bags, and ate dry cereal when we woke up in the dewy morning hours.
It seems to me that it was a different person that lived those memories. When life was simpler, before I turned eight and we moved. Not that it got a whole lot more complicated quickly, but I lived in that next house through the rougher years, too; so the “me” I imagine there is older, more emotional, than the young me with pigtails I see in the house on Bakeman Lane.





woohoooo! on to painting!!!

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

thankful


one of the writing assignments from misty's Open Studio class involved writing a list of (at least 100) things we were thankful for, and then turning that into a poem. she encouraged us to start a "gratitude journal". which coincided perfectly with reading One Thousand Gifts this spring. i waited till i made it to 100 to write my poem. i decided to just pull out the ones that were about joey, and write a poem about him at this age. 

at two and a half

part whirlwind
blond curls and
fever snuggles
cuddly-jammied lullabies
I learn truth in the song
the paint you choose


One more book
Boy laughter floating
helping daddy
gentle delight in babies
worrying about your brother even before he is born
Kisses to “feel better, mommy”


routine-loving change-hater
kitchen-aid operator extraordinaire
sleeping all night
all-boy, healthy
trains, fire trucks, airplanes
you have opened my heart



reading this, i suddenly want to do this for all my kids (however many that is ;) every year. i used to be a crazy chronological record-every-moment-scrapbooker. and i have felt like i've missed so much these last 2 1/2 years of not recording faithfully the moments of joey's young life. but keeping little lists like this gratitude journal gives me a glimpse into this life as it's lived over days and months. i think this will not be a quickly-abandoned habit. also, instagram ;)
you've seen the first 65 of my list, and i'll keep adding them as time goes on...

Monday, June 4, 2012

poetry



The fern, it curls itself
Into the shape of my love
People ask me what it is
But I don’t tell them – not really
They think it’s a scorpion
Or some other many-legged thing
But, no.
All resin and wire
A bird winging its way behind
The wood grain
It holds eight years
Houses the memory
Of a day all soft and lovely
Resting on my chest

the assignment was to write a sonnet about a beloved "talisman"...
not sure i really have something like that, so i kept it simple and abstract :)
thankful for...
56. canvaschild, thelifeartist, anamcara, aholyexperience... that breathe truth to my jesus-seeker-lover-artist soul
57. a community i can engage with more than once a week
58. a husband who cares enough about the deep-heart-things of life to work through the sucky conversations it takes to get there
59. art awakening my soul to its long-lost shape and to the desire to create and love
60. kicks that are more than flutters - moving my belly visibly and warning of the active-boy that is to come!
61. the chance to sit quietly in a coffee shop and read, write, flip through art magazines
62. painting alongside joey
63. eight months of finally (after 2+ years) sleeping through the night before baby #2 comes
64. an invitation to fight for the hearts of women
65. the details - lace on a top, embossed tiny flowers on a mug, a flower in the hair

Thursday, May 31, 2012

summer poem



summer
and a yellow suitcase by the door
chai tea and naps
baby kicks and gardens
all sweet and spicy
and savory
with anticipation 


homemade patriotic ice cream sandwiches we shared with our life group on monday -
summer is here!

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

shape poem

the prompt: "what shape are you in today?"


may 25.2012



too hot...
sweaty even
wishing for
an air-
conditioner
that worked.
i have to pee
but do not risk
hardwood floors
squeaking... and
rousing my boy
from slumber
i long
for a
break
some
space
to be
just
me.
sit.
rest.
and then
love so well

i took it literally... doesn't it look like me?

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

as promised...

jason read my last couple of blog posts yesterday and said "you need to finish that piece and post it!" so i did :) i don't love it, but i had fun working within the guidelines of our grid project from last week & seeing what happened! :)

and some more thankfulnesses:

41. a husband that enjoys fixing things
42. a boy that LOVES to help daddy
43. the voice of God showing up to my heart through song lyrics and lovely music
44. my spiritual director
45. how much joey ADORES babies, and is so gentle with them - he is really looking forward to his baby brother's arrival
46. watching how a 2-year-old mind works - he was a little worried about the baby yesterday: "he's stuck in your belly!! he needs to come out!" - no, gotta wait till he's a little bigger, buddy...
47. my sister's blog post about my mom, reminding me once again how blessed i have been to grow up in that home
48. joey's curls
49. jason's eyes
50. that he thinks i'm beautiful when i'm pregnant
51. grey toenail polish - i especially think it's comical that my boy doesn't like it - "i need it off, mommy!"
52. perfectly ripe fruit
53. the ability to feel actual hunger now, and not just nausea-needing-to-be-fed-to-stop
54. insurance and good doctors
55. flower rings (and bracelets and necklaces...)

Thursday, May 24, 2012

"new" coffee table

 so we've been saying for months that we need a new coffee table... this one's surface is all bubbly for some reason (water damage or something? who knows). it's a cheap laminate/particle board ikea table we've had for years, and it has been on it's way out for a while... but i saw this DIY on a beautiful mess forever ago, and finally thought we should do it to this one! i love how it turned out, and it was SO EASY. just masked off what i didn't want painted, taped down a large piece of lace (thanks, April!) and spray-painted it! and the new visual texture totally hides those surface imperfections! yay!
joey wasted no time in "trying out" the new table as a race track ;)

thankful this month for:

26. distant shadow-leaves dancing in the wind at sunset
27. a morning of treasure-hunting, returning with a vintage jewelry box, 
lovely mugs, a toddler bed, and a gift for a friend.
28. naptime chance to reflect, write, share...
29. joey has the best auntie(s) in the world
30. that i felt better enough to go to the screenprinting class - happy 
mother's day to me!
31. baklava
32. coffee shop employees that ask if you want that decaf (looking at me, 
8pm and pregnant) - YES!! i do!!!
33. an evening ALONE with a (decaf ;) white mocha at a bookstore
34. a longer-than-usual talk with a dear friend while our 2-year-olds 
entertain each other
35. being seen
36. new friend with hard stories and an open heart
37. baking with joey
38. lovely ranunculus from my love
39. a week and a half till summer, and jason HOME! and potty training, 
big boy beds, growing belly, family time (recorded 5.16 - now it's 
TOMORROW!!)
40. my morning chai

Monday, May 21, 2012

glimpses of community

a  corner of erica's gray-and-yellow beauty
so i have some wonderful friends who humor love me by coming over a couple evenings a month and "being creative" with me. we call it "artsycrafty club". i love it. just getting to share my studio space and introduce them to a little of my art-world... most of them claim to be "NOT creative". but they come play anyways :) and this week, i thought i'd share some  glimpses of the 3-dimensional collages they made friday night...
my sister kimmy's "random" piece - i think it came together so lovely and bright and fun!
blayne, our recently moved from portland friend, put a bird on it ;)
allison made me crop her name out of the shot of the piece (but i put it here anyway ;)
 i loved how maura picked so many of my little "finds" that i most adore, and put them all together!
jan totally departed from the 4x4 grid idea... she's an artist, so i figured she'd "break the rules" ;)

rachel's serengeti sunset loveliness 
 somehow, i never end up finding a chance to actually make something on these nights that i'm hosting... but i got inspired by having all my little bits of found "things" everywhere, so i'm working on my own piece now... maybe you'll see it soon ;)
the one thing i DID make that night- baked brie with basil and blackberries and apple wedges (thanks to indiana for the recipe! :)

and some glimpses of what i've been thankful for (completing the the rest of april)...

15. rain on a tin roof
16. boy laughter floating in from the backyard
17. a movie that brings unexpected tears
18. a blog post full of comments from seekers like me, making me feel less alone
19. a woman who writes so beautifully, it stirs my soul every time
20. a lone gull winging its way through dark grey sky over slow freeway traffic
21. unisom sleeptabs
22. feeling better today (4.16)
23. my boy begging me to read him "one more" book, as if it's not my favorite thing in the world to do
24. joey taking a nap today (4.27), allowing me to take one, since i ended up having to work a 12-hour shift unexpectedly tonight!
25. pink-striped skies and wind on my surprise drive into Los Angeles for work