i am...

tactile and

colorful, but

still sencillita

worshiper and

lover, but

often distracted

dreamer, longing,

slowly becoming

beauty discoverer

in flip-flops

rainy day delight

fighting for truth

and freedom and rest

sapphire mystery

self-portrait photographs and poem

by jamie bonilla

circular

i was challenged to look for a certain shape or color throughout the course of a day. i picked circles (and you may notice a green theme running through the photos).

this one made me think about "holes" and i ended up making this piece, called

"holey"

<------

then i tried to make a self-expressive piece of art based on them (not so green ;) which was a different vein than i'd been working in the rest of the retreat - i just felt like i was playing :) it was fun & restful (somehow a break from the "ultimately important" is good sometimes... except that it really is important, since it's an expression of my creative soul God has given me... it just doesn't FEEL important so it's more restful ;)

this is the view out one of the windows of the upstairs room where i worked the rest of the retreat - AMAZING.

i wrote a poem about it:

winter, cold dawn

snow falling, a thing of beauty

silent, unknown until

the shades are pulled

lying in bed, waiting to hear it

like the rain

but it is a beauty that must be

sought out to be known

like the soul

so glorious

but shrouded, unheard until

it is revealed

by intention to one trusted

a noble pursuer

will be greeted by a sight

at once lovely and messy

true, vulnerable, real

breathless in the mist

march

this month has been a WHIRLWIND. a lot of months feel that way, but this month especially... in the midst of getting decor stuff ready for church, captivating group, and the rest of life (that was already full-time before adding those in) with jason & joey... we've really felt the lack of time to ourselves, the lack of REST. but in the midst, i've been able to use joey's naptimes (fueled up on coffee ;) and jason has been AMAZING about giving me time to work on art & time with God & rest. i started a series in my art about worship - mostly based on lyrics to Kari Jobe songs. this one is my second (and jason's favorite) piece. i'm really excited about this series. exploring art with worship as the subject matter, as well as art AS worship and worshiping DURING art-making. i would love to get a strong sense of God's intention in making us creative (specifically ME creative), and how that can bring him glory (and maybe write an article about it... or a book - hey, why not? ;)

i love this picture - haha - he is such a techie already ;)

now for the REAL fun... :) for Christmas, jason gave me a coupon for a retreat in the mountains. so i could be alone with God, work on art, and rest... and it was last weekend!

all set up & ready!

we planned it for as early in the year as we could, hoping that there would still be snow on the ground (but had given up all hope of that after being in the southern california warm weather for so many weeks before going). not only was there enough snow on the ground for our 4WD jeep to get stuck going up the driveway, it SNOWED like 18" while we were there! it. was. amazing. so beautiful. and felt truly like a gift from God to me, for that weekend.

jason and joey on their way out for a hike (this was just before all the snow started coming down - look how clear that driveway is compared to that other picture that was the following day... when we were trying to leave! we were truly "snowed in" - it took lots of shoveling, a snow plow, and finally a tow to get us out of the driveway! not to mention the rest of the way down the snowy mountain road...)

i got to read, journal, write poetry, just enjoy the beauty, and make art! for 2 1/2 days!! i set up all my art stuff upstairs while the boys stayed downstairs (or wandered around outside) the whole time - just came down for coffee refills & meals :) it wasn't as restful as i'd hoped... i had a hard time being truly "present" and engaging in the moment. but i still got a chance to process a lot, and make some truly heart-worship-art. so thankful for that time.

february...

...was when life turned upside down! we had been praying about joining the new Whittier Hills Uptown Campus that was going to begin having services at the YMCA on February 13th. we had actually both felt a pull toward it, and toward the uptown area in general, for over a year. but being where we were spiritually, not sure we had a place there, we didn't really think THAT much about it. then the week before the first service, we were praying for them, and decided that we would join! and then decided that there was a need for me to fill already - they had been trying to work on "decor" for the Y - getting to look more like a worship center and less like a zumba room - but didn't have anyone "in charge" of that area... i knew this because i had been helping a little bit with ideas, without really being a part of it (because i'm friends with Jessica and it had sort of unofficially fallen to her to "decor"ate for the first "preview service"). so that same day that we decided to join the new church plant (i mean, "campus plant" - one church - 2 locations ;) i also volunteered to take over on decor!! huge leaps for both of us! and an answer to prayer, according to the director of the new plant :) we have now spent a TON of time up at the Y, trying to figure out ways to cover up 46-foot walls of mirrors, or multiple mauve accordion carpeted folding walls... jason has been a huge contributor, getting things in place, transporting - and a good sport about all the changes this has made for our life. not the comfortable little family-centered existence we had developed the last 7+ years of being married... a lot more "external" focus going on... and it's awesome... and overwhelming...! i am so excited about the possibilities of what my role could look like, and i wake up in the middle of the night with ideas rushing through my head! lots of little logistical details that are taking precedence of the artsy design stuff i'd prefer to be doing... but the background stuff (& lighting & electrical stuff) has to happen first... but truly, deeply, this is something my soul delights in. i totally have a desire to incorporate worship and my creativity into one. to worship God as i create, bearing His image as creator, and even connecting with him during those times of creating & processing. AND i am so hopeful that in all this, i'll be able to create a space that facilitates others' worship. a space that is beautiful, but not distracting. words and nature and artistic focus that reflect God and draw hearts to Him. totally my passion in life right now.

me & my "aesthetics team" troubleshooting a big yellow ladder in the middle of the room :)

...and I thought the way i was going to be "stepping out" was in another area that i had been praying about: starting a Captivating group! this book had impacted me so much that i longed to share that healing with others... so i decided to start with some close friends, inviting them to join me in a 10-part DVD series & discussion time... i have never facilitated something like this before, and it was a gi-normous step for me to even invite people to this! but we're doing it! started the friday before the first Uptown service (2 days after we'd decided to join ;) - what was i thinking??! it has been such a crazy whirlwind ever since. still trying to get our feet back on the ground. so excited. :)

just a pretty flower from one of our walks around the neighborhood - an attempt at trying to "be present" and record daily life, to truly experience each of its moments :)

little tragedies

i had to put this picture in and say something because it was seriously a tragic day for me... i had sold these four pendants on etsy, and got them all packaged up, all pretty & safe for sending to the east coast. i planned to take them to the post office after thursday morning Bible study, but alas, i left them on top of the car. and didn't know it till i turned onto a main street and the box went flying out into lanes of traffic...! i couldn't pull over right there, so i went around the block, and saw cars avoiding my package - a huge truck went around it right as i was getting out of my car to pick it up. then, the unthinkable... this little sedan comes roaring through and crushes my box to bits right before my eyes. (this is the tragic part ;) ...i recovered all i could of my pendants (technically not MINE anymore, someone had already bought them!), broken pieces of buttons, twisted wire, intact hardware... and went to Bible study, a bit distressed and distracted... came home and let my customer know... she insisted that it was not a "tragedy", and waited for me to "remake" them, as close as possible to the originals. the pic is actually of the reworked ones, ready to send off (again)! i got them fixed pretty well, and pretty quickly (although she was in no rush - she is planning to use them as Christmas ornaments - she said "you only have eleven months!" - haha) and all was well... so glad there are nice and understanding people in the world. she even loved that i left one of the broken buttons in one of them - said it gave them a "backstory", making them more interesting! :) i wish i had a picture on here of how they looked destroyed, for full effect, but i can't find them... alas, another "tragedy" ;)

ope! found it! tragedy averted (i know. huge earthquakes and tsunamis and nuclear crises are tragedies. not this. but to my heart on that day it was ;)

january

the new year... i had made all these lovely "resolutions", which really, this year, were more of "hey, here's an idea" seeing how consistently i follow through on those resolutions... the general idea is to live a more creative life DAILY and document my daily life through art & journaling & photos & blogging... i hereby renew this vision (hear, hear)...! here's a little sampling of some of my photos and art & experimenting...

moldy grapefruits at a friend's house

i love how this piece became a self-potrait because of the little reflection when i took the picture :)

a spread in my art journal, the beginnings of a series exploring art as worship,

using lyrics from Kari Jobe worship songs as the subject matter

so i made a few pieces and i wrote another "poem"; which was really more like journaling, but i was doing a specific exercise where i created a list of words by flipping through a book and just writing down like 20 words from different pages, and then using them as the starting point for the poem (thank you, Liz Lamoreaux for this idea):

untitled poem #2 (using "found words" from Love & War by John & Stasi Eldredge)

i want brokenness, i do

but it can be so tiring

feel so needy

like the struggle is too much

at least too much for others to

walk with me through it

the search for healing

has to start with knowing there is a wound

and safety in one who has also hurt

who has bled to take my pain

and trust that there is more

on the other side

keep reaching, keep opening, keep desiring

and life becomes more than drudgery

the biggest adventures, lived every day

beyond beautiful

expeditions in love

the terrain of the heart

true, there is an enemy of my soul

the accuser

who tries to steal me away

but he can never truly win

for i have been won

and he must remain outside

barred from the doors of my spirit

so that i am free to believe

to hear what is true

from my lover

that he has never left me

will never leave me

lives within me

with me, always in me

so i am never alone

and loved to the depths

my absence, part 4

December:

heart: just continuing with God in the life of my heart, discovering things i still need to learn from Him, and getting glimpses of his heart of love for me...

art: mostly worked on Christmas gifts (like my free-motion-stitched fabric cuffs i made for my mom & sisters... and myself ;)... got a couple of awesome art books for Christmas that inspired me to start writing poetry (me??!) and making art more frequently.

family: Christmas! my entire family was together for once! mom & dad flew in from hawai'i and sister jenna and her boyfriend izzy flew in from honduras (via el salvador) on Christmas Day! and then on new year's eve, they got engaged! yep, another 11.11.11 wedding comin' up!

joey brushed his little teeth for the first time ;)

and we got to take another trip to Yosemite - our first time seeing it in the snow!

and it. was. amazing. indescribable. joey loved the snow, and we loved seeing the beauty.

here's a "poem" i wrote when we got back (pretty much my first attempt at writing poetry, ever. so don't judge. ;)

untitled stream of consciousness/word toolbox poem:

i begin heavy

my soul altering its own expression

unnerved, uncomfortable with my attempt

to tell of my heart of concrete

sinking, disappointed, overboard

the soil of my soul furrowed

in weariness and readiness

unnerved by the unpredictability of life

and jesus and my own self

longing for brilliant light to be shed

but feeling it blocked by my own jungle canopy

wishing for a perfect world

where i am desired and not demanded, startled

often by deep pursuit, a whirlwind of desire

expressed and met in a storybook affair

dangerous in an odd sort of way

but instead i pass my days harmlessly, in monotony

with the scope of a merely human view

meanwhile the heavens are popping with static

as a war wages over the souls of men

a struggle unseen

only even sensed by those really tuned in

i've had glimpses

of his love and his abundant life

but as soon as they've come, i've blinked

and they've gone

the forest on monday, one such moment

the bare branches with their layers of snow

lacy and pristine

something only a God of beauty would create

moments where i have sensed his heart touch mine

seeing my heart soften and enlarge

from the moment my son became

a part of my life

now some of my deepest joys

being with him

a kiss, a tickle, a hug

such delight

brought by the same one that saps me

of my energy

so beautiful

my babylove

i end buoyant, thankful

for the blessings of a child

a strong lover

a beautiful God

a healthy body

this time to myself

the absence from "my absence"

wow. so much. this last month or so has been a whirlwind! so much busyness, but mostly so much GOOD STUFF. the main thing being joining the new church plant of Whittier Hills Uptown, and joining the leadership team as "aesthetics coordinator"! how crazy is that? when you look back at my last few months, and where God has been taking me, and the passions he's begun to develop in me... i can't think of any better way to be in ministry right now! creating a space where people's hearts can be drawn to worship through nature and beauty and truth... so excited...! for now it's been a lot more "big picture" stuff - getting the zumba wall full of mirrors (and the ugly mauve carpet accordion walls) covered with canvas & fabric, figuring out the lighting situation - that one still needs help... putting together a team of both aesthetically-minded people, and the "muscles" of the setup of it :) so exciting. and so risky for me, because it truly is my HEART i'm putting out there for everyone to see, to like or not like, to notice or just pass by... but God's the one who's brought me here, and HE sees the beauty & desire in my heart to glorify him by putting myself out there... so here we go, adventure!!!